It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
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What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
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the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office