honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
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Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*