When you’re Kinky but poor
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“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
The happy life.. 😊
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”