#PleaseGoToChurch 馃槀馃槶
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date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger鈥檚 my middle name… unfortunately my first name鈥檚 stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I鈥檓 gonna need a minute
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: S脥
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything鈥檚 fine. I鈥檝e been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don鈥檛 read it fast enough
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.