Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
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A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
who will stop them
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls