What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
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A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
The French cow says MEUX…
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”