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[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.