Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
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Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
Breaking news:
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.