I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
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Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
guys I’m going home
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes