And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
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Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off