Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
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Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
I was introduced to a baby recently by her parents; the mother told me “she doesn’t do anything, or know anything”
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital