People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
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Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
Everyone’s family
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅