The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
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The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.