No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
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“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
man i love columbo
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.