Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
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People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.