Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
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WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
What the dentist sees
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.