Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
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Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!