Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
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The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
pizza
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
#milo
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.