When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
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[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.