Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
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THE AUDACITY. 😤
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
he looks great for his age
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in