*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
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[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL