Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
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If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
I only eat vegetarians.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means