Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
You Might Also Like
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
This is my favorite one of these!
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.