Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
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According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
A friend sent me this.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure
Him to waiter: BLT, please
Me: I’ll have the same
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no