All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
You Might Also Like
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
This is the one
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”