Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
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me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Moms. The original autocorrect.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*