“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
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Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.