I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
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you telling me a banana nut in this bread
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Europe. Made in Germany.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo