I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
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Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
He died doing what he loved: being alive