Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
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Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
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This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
I’m not lazy
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.