To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
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No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!