one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
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My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.