the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
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Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong