After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
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KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
New mindset, who dis?
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
These work great until they don’t.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.