I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
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[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.