It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
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How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!