Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
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COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
mechanics be like
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope