How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
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One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.