Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
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Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
me: my friends: