me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
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What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”