Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
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[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
Match dot com, but for socks.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there