I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
You Might Also Like
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings