Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
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I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.