My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
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I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
me linking you to my twitter
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.