8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
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My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”