if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
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Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
This is Sparta
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
absolutely not
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.