I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
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Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.