Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
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Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.