When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
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Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
The two types of wives
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
If a snake ate a cake
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.