Yet the one time I did, I got banned
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I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
New Tinder profile.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.